So your partner’s been diagnosed with a chronic illness — or you’ve recently fallen for someone who has one. You feel a little bit helpless, and you may have even convinced yourself you’re not equipped to be there for this person. While that’s unlikely the case, you may need a little extra preparation for the commitment of loving this person through their ups and downs. Take a deep breath, then use this step-by-step guide to offer them the kind of care and support they deserve.

Offer Practical and Emotional Support

When a person is first diagnosed, or spends time in the hospital, they might find themselves drowning in cards, calls, and get well gifts. Over time, however, all that support starts to dwindle, and they rely more and more on the people closest to them. Perhaps the most important thing you can do for your partner is start to fill in the gaps when friends and family fade out. Help them around the house and with errands — and offer them plenty of love and affection too.

Ditch the Toxic Positivity

No one likes pity, but the occasional “oh, you poor thing” is nothing compared to the rage induced by toxic positivity. What’s “toxic positivity?” It’s the endless barrage of cliched phrases every chronically ill person faces on the daily. Consider how expressions like “you’ll feel better soon” sound to a person who might be in pain for years or for life. Never, ever tell a chronically ill person to “look on the bright side” or that “it could be worse” — to them, maybe it couldn’t.

Understand Their Diagnosis

It should go without saying that you need to understand at least the basics of your partner’s illness in case of a medical emergency. You need to be able to spot when their symptoms become dangerous and possibly perform basic safety measures or first aid. You also need to know when it’s time to call 911 or go to the ER and how to explain their condition to doctors. Beyond that, developing a deeper understanding of their condition is a wonderful way to show you really care.

Don’t Play Doctor

While it’s important to educate yourself and be available to help out as needed, that doesn’t make you the expert on your partner’s condition. You still need to let them advocate for themselves and make their medical decisions. Even if you know that a doctor has specifically made certain lifestyle or treatment recommendations, it’s not your job to enforce them. Don’t micromanage your partner’s choices — let them make some mistakes and be an imperfect human being.

Avoid Unsolicited Advice

Along those lines, do not suggest miracle cures you think could solve your partner’s chronic illness. No amount of gluten-free vegan turmeric-ashwagandha tea is going to cure their Ehlers-Danlos syndrome or fibromuscular dysplasia. Chances are very high that whatever “wisdom” you have to offer, they’ve already heard it (or are too exhausted to follow it). If you must give advice, keep it brief, then stop the moment your partner responds or rejects it.

Encourage Independence

If your partner has the capacity, encourage them to continue doing things they love on their own. They don’t always need to have you by their side just in case they experience a flare-up around the house or out in public. Of course, make an emergency plan and ensure that someone is available to help them out in case something does go wrong. Then, let them go out and live their life — and make sure to do the same for yourself as well.

Nurture the Relationship Part of Your Relationship

Most chronically ill people don’t want to be seen as helpless victims or let their illness become their identity. They want to be noticed and acknowledged for the person they’ve always been deep down. Even if you’re both spending a lot of time managing symptoms or in the hospital, make time for dates, fun activities, and shared interests. You may have to press pause on your love life, but maintain the romance and intimacy — don’t mentally desexualize your partner.

Don’t Make Assumptions

If you’re not sure what your partner wants or needs from you, just ask — and then make time to listen. Many people don’t realize how much more helpful they could be if they’d just respond to their partners’ actual requests. For example, many partners become overly focused on trying to manage doctors appointments or help manage the chronically ill person’s pain. Sometimes, however, all that person really wants is an extra hand with shopping or organizing the closets.

Respect and Honor Their Limitations

On that note, if you’ve never had a chronic illness, you may not understand how incredibly exhausting it can be. It’s not just about treating pain or symptoms, but also about admin tasks like picking up medications and managing appointment schedules. Your partner might need a lot of breaks or might not have energy left for chores or even their favorite activities. Never push them to do more than they feel capable of; instead, offer them compassion, validation, and time to rest.

You Don’t Have to Be Their Everything All the Time

Being a caregiver can also be incredibly tiring, especially if you also work full time or have other responsibilities. It’s important to practice self-care, and recognize the signs of burnout before it consumes you — or you explode at your partner. Remember, you don’t have to be anything and everything to your partner 110% of the time. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you get any of the things on this list wrong sometimes; absolutely no one is a perfect caregiver.

 

Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed to seek outside help, if you need it, such as a cleaning, laundry, or food delivery service. Where possible, try to delegate some caregiving and household tasks to your partner’s friends or family members. While your partner’s needs are important, take time to do the things that keep you happy and healthy too. Put on your own metaphorical oxygen mask first — it’s better for you, your partner, and your relationship.